Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Lightweight MIL

Out at lunch today.  A lovely restaurant overlooking the ocean.  My husband and I and his parents, who are both pushing 70.  There has been a lot of walking today, and they are glad to settle into the big booth by the sea.

Beers all round.  And then amazingly crappy food.  And then beers all round again.

The conversation turns to my blog, as it always does.  They can't believe that I am comfortable revealing so much about myself in writing for the world to see.  I drink my beer and gesture ecstatically at the scenery.  I would be so happy to answer their questions (for like the 1000th time), but OH MY GOD!  There is a sea lion!  Look!  Look!  A sea lion!

The meal ends and the men head of to the bathroom.

I stand, and my mother-in-law works to raise herself from the booth.  Her knees are not what they once were, and the beers are making them even less cooperative than normal.  "At least," she says as she pushes herself up, "You're not on Facebook like Amy (a pseudonym for a young relative)."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes,  Amy's on there talking about how she loves to suck cock."

Did I say she was whispering?  She is so not whispering.

"I didn't even know you could talk about stuff like that on Facebook."

"Yup, I LIKE COCK!  Out there for all the world to see.  I LIKE SUCKING COCK!  What is wrong with her?"

We are sooooo  the center of attention in our little corner of the universe.

"Like a fan page?"  Is it possible that there is a Facebook Fan Page for cock-sucking?

My mother-in-law snorts, "All I know is that she is on there saying I like sucking cock.  I've seen it."

I know she means she has seen the words, but I immediately envision her watching Amy sucking cock and I am all giggly.

My father in law rejoins us and it is clear that he has heard his wife talking on his trip across the restaurant, "What's going on here?"

My mother-in-law giggles, "You know, about Amy and the cock."

He is all flustered, "What?"

And now she finally whispers, but it's an extra loud stage whisper as her husband hustles her out of the restaurant, "Amy likes sucking cock.  I told you that."

Oh My God.


  1. Yup, I busted a gut. TOO funny!

    I'm so sad I've never been in a restaurant in which an almost-70-year-old-woman was loudly discussing the sucking of cocks. Very sad.

  2. I'd be grateful for "Amy." Without her, YOU'D be the black sheep.

  3. This is an awesome idea! I started a blog for this kind of thing, but foolishly let a couple too many people in on it and now my grandma reads it. So I STILL can't post "those stories" on it.

    This is just for funny stuff, though, right?

  4. No, not just for funny stuff. I mean, I'm not in charge, but I AM a bossy, scary person, so I say no, not just funny.

    I've got some step-parenting stories I need to tell. Not funny, but I must tell.